SOME BLAIR WARNER / TOOTIE'S JOURNAL SITE HISTORY FOR YOU:
This site, along with Tootie’s Journal went up in April 1999, and was featured on MTV's 1515 news program Memorial Day weekend 1999, making us the FIRST Blair Witch parody site. Shortly thereafter Rough Cut ran an interview with me plus linked my site. Entertainment Weekly followed with a mention in their July 23rd issue, page 77. SPIN online also mentioned the parody and over the July 31st weekend (1999) the Boston Globe ran an article where my site is mentioned as well. Newsweek mentioned my parody on August 9th, so I had a pretty good media coverage, sweeeet! Other mentions appeared in Suite 101 and Savvy Frog.
Quote: "Riotous mix of The Blair Witch Project and The Facts of Life, from fan Cecilia Populus.
The Blair Warner Project
Eastland School is 2 hours from Peekskill New York.
February 1985 - Several Eastland students accuse Blair Warner of luring them into her room, performing home perms and make-overs whilst force feeding them bad caviar. The girls show their scalp burns, where the perm solution was left on for too long. Blair is found guilty of practicing beauty techniques without a license and is expelled. Molly Parker hides the "do it yourself beauty tips" article she insisted Blair Warner read.
February 1985 - Blair Warner leaves during a particularly harsh winter. In shame she decides not to return to her rich family but, decides to hop a train to Lubbock, Texas instead. Unfortunately, Blair's mascara was running so heavily (due to her tears and the rain) that the train she hops is actually a prop used in Eastland's production of "Plains, Trains, and Automobiles the Musical!" and is going nowhere fast!
Late February 1985 - The local garbage men pick up the train prop and immediately press it into a compact hunk of metal. Blair Warner is never heard from or seen again. She is presumed dead.
November 1986 - On the night of the first snowfall, the daughter of the headmaster, Steven Bradley disappears. A week later, Blair's most serious make over disaster victim vanishes. By the end of the winter, more than half of the "poised for success" class goes missing, including several full length mirrors, all of the curling irons, and most of the copies of "How to Marry a Millionaire". Later, Molly Parker's body is found buried under a pile of discarded copies of Elle magazine. On her chest, in red lipstick, the words "I suck as an actress" are scrawled. Everyone is shaken, but no one argues the point.
November 1988 - The Blair Warner Cult is published. This rare book, commonly considered fiction, tells of an entire clique of once popular teens cursed by acne, crunchy bangs and clumpy mascara who due to their current misfortune turn to murder and witchcraft.
August 1989 - Eleven witnesses testify to seeing a perfectly manicured hand holding a lip liner reach up, stab, then pull Sue Anne Weaver into the Tappy Eastland Creek. Her body was never found from a stream only two feet deep. For thirteen days after the drowning, the creek was clogged with chalky pumice stones, and the water gave off an odor very similar to Alberto V05's deep conditioning treatment.
March 1990 - Twelve year old Cindy Webster is reported missing and search parties are dispatched. The girl returns to her Grandmother's estate the next day. She is in shock and has Lee press on nails cemented to her fingernails. All but one of the search parties return. Weeks later the equestrian club finds the search party at Trust Fund Rock, a peculiar formation named for it's similarity to a safety deposit box. The five men of the search party had been dead for several days. Their hair teased into grotesque beehives, their feet crammed into size 5 espadrilles, and this time, written in the same shade of lipstick as before the words: 'Alan Thicke sucks as a composer.' Cindy Webster claims she had been lured into the forest by "a young woman holding a Flo bee".
November 1990-May 1991 - Starting with Nancy Olsen and ending with Boots St. Claire, a total of seven Eastland students are abducted. A young handyman, George Burnett, walks into a local Starbucks and repeats over and over "you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life". Burnett gets louder and louder, finally the authorities are called in. When authorities check the cellar of the "Over our Heads" novelty shop they find the bodies of the seven missing students. Each body has been given a manicure, pedicures and a full body wax. The cause of death, as close as it could be determined, was horror at having to stay in a cellar with George Burnett who knows nothing about body waxing. Written all over the bodies the phrase "when the boy you used to hate you date" was found. Burnett admitted everything in detail telling authorities he had done it for a "young woman ghost" who occupied the surrounding woods around Eastland. He said he couldn't stand the whiny debutante voice any longer and did what he was asked to make her leave him alone. Burnett was found guilty and sent to a prison in Chicago where he escaped after 10 years and resurfaced as a doctor in a local hospital. Nobody seemed to notice.
October 20, 1994 - Eastland students Natalie Green, Dorothy "Tootie" Ramsey and Jo Polniazek decide to interview locals about the legend of Blair Warner for a class project. Natalie interviews Mrs. Garrett, an old woman who used to be a housemother at Eastland, she is now quite insane and residing at the Martha Stewart's Home for the Has Been Homemakers. Most townspeople have learned to run screaming at the sight of Mrs. Garrett less they be subject to an endless ranting about Blair Warner. She claims to have seen Blair Warner one day near the Tappy Eastland Creek in the form of a half deb, half student beast. She also tells of her many calls into George at the Chicago Hospital.
October 21, 1994 - In the early morning, Natalie interviews two equestrian instructors who tell her that Trust Fund Rock is less than twenty minutes from the stables and accessible by an old logging trail. The girls get a ride to Trust Fund Rock from groundskeeper Willie and are never seen again.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.